


Please, Let This Last

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Series: A Flame in the Shadows [22]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Fear of Change, Found Family, Light Angst, M/M, PTSD, Regrets, and, feelings man, just feelings, mentions of mind control, now THAT'S what I call pining, post ep 94, spoilers for ep 97, spoilers for the wildemount fireside chat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:54:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23552635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: With the Transmogrification ritual having failed, the Mighty Nein set out to find the woman who cursed Nott, before returning to ask Essek for help to get them to the menagerie that Caduceus searches for.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: A Flame in the Shadows [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648909
Comments: 36
Kudos: 123





	Please, Let This Last

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, I'm soo so so so so so SO sorry that this fic took so long to come through T.T I've been writing it for about a week now, in between my looooong 18th century romantic literature and sentimentalism lectures as well as how since yesterday my mom's been busting out face masks for the community since all the stores continue to be sold out, and pretty much everyone here at home have been helping with that as the living room has turned into a tailor shop, and, not gonna lie, the lethargy is still hitting pretty hard and shaking out of its grip is a little more difficult than I thought it would be
> 
> But all your lovely comments have really helped me get through it all!!! I've read each and every one of them and I'll be answering all today/tonight/within the next few days as I start the next fic and continue my classes
> 
> I really hope you guys are all doing well, and staying safe along with your loved ones!! I love you all so much, and I really hope you guys like this fic!!

As soon as the light fades, Caleb drops down, scattering all their notes on the ground and beginning to rifle through them, muttering to himself all the while. Essek can see the way his hands shake, and he makes to move over to him when he hears Veth’s quiet voice.

“It - it didn’t, it didn’t work, did it?”

“W -” Jester starts, and now she takes a half step towards Veth who sits in a pile of broken and charred clay, looking so small as she hugs herself. “I mean, you - I think you’re a little l-less green than you were before.”

Veth looks down at her hands, at the claws that are still there, at the green skin that hasn’t changed at all. “Yeah, well - yeah, yeah, yes.” She nods, just one jerky motion up and down. “Um, l-l-look all around, see if it's all the same.”

Now Jester gets close, coming to inspect Veth - equal parts humoring her and worried herself it seems. She takes Veth’s ears in her hands, runs her fingers over them before walking around her, picking out pieces of clay that have lodged themselves in her hair. “You’re still Nott,” she says softly.

“Huh,” Veth sighs, and she sags, as if threatening to collapse to the ground. Jester catches her with an arm around her shoulders. “I - I, w - I mean, did you do it right?” She looks at Caleb, and when he’s still pouring over their notes she turns to Essek. “Did he do it right?”

Essek is at a loss for words - he’d been watching Caleb, watching the ritual, the entire time. He knew Caleb had done it exactly as it should have been done. “From what I could, ah, observe of this ritual everything was done to the required specifications,” he tells her, just as lost as to what exactly went wrong. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Caleb looking up from his notes finally.

“I’m meticulous,” Caleb assures her, the words coming out slowly.

Veth looks down. “Yes, you are,” she admits. She folds into Jester’s side further, and when she looks at Caleb she looks scared again, as if she’s seen a ghost. “Did you all hear that? The -”

“Hear what?” Jester asks carefully.

“The woman,” She says, ducking her head again. “The woman laughing?”

Jester pulls away enough to look down at Veth, equal parts confused and worried. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Caduceus shakes his head as Yasha answers, “None of us were laughing.”

“I hope not,” Veth mumbles.

Caleb shakily gets to his feet, haphazardly gathering everything and slipping it between the pages of his spellbook. “I-I heard it.”

In his mind’s eye, Essek remembers the darkness that snapped back at Caleb, that had engulfed Veth. He feels a chill run down his spine, as if ice water were rolling through him.

“What did it sound like?” Jester asks, looking from Caleb to Veth.

“It sounded distant - and evil,” Veth says. “And it sounded like…” she trails off, swallowing hard before continuing, “Yeah, I mean, the only person I can think of is the person who did this to me - this, this woman, this mage woman. It sounded like her, maybe.” She meets Caleb’s gaze. “Maybe?”

“Like she was - did it sound like when I  _ send _ you a message?” Jester follows up, although that doesn’t sound right - a message only reaches one recipient at a time, and they  _ both _ heard it.

Veth frowns. “I don’t know that you’ve ever  _ sent _ me a m-message.”

Without missing a beat, Jester pulls out her copper wire, getting halfway through the glyph before she pauses. “This is weird, being right next to you,” she gets out. “Is it going to be, like, my voice in your head and out loud?”

“I can hear, I can hear, like, a delay,” Veth says, squinting as she seems to ready herself for Jester incoming spell.

“ _ Can you - what does it sound like _ ?” Jester starts.

Shaking her head, Veth steps away from Jester. “Oh, I gotta, I-I have to leave the room.” She darts out, past Essek, and she shouts back, “Okay, go!”

_ “Does it sound like - does it sound like this? Did it sound like the - the laughing? _ ” Jester says into her copper.

It takes a couple of seconds, much longer than it took Veth to leave, before she finally steps back inside. She seems pale, even more frightened. “Not the same.”

“Well, I mean it’s gotta be th - exactly that,” Beauregard finally spoke up, stepping closer to Caleb. She hovered near him, and Essek recognized the way she stood near as her way of being there for him should he need a comforting hand - Essek was instantly grateful that she could give him what Essek couldn’t, that she cared and watched for Caleb too.

“She has some -” Caleb starts, and it sounds like every word is a struggle to get out.

“What does that mean?” Veth asks. “She’s watching me - she’s, she’s haunting me?”

Caleb puts a hand to his chest, holding onto something tightly beneath his shirt. “She still has some sort of grasp on you, yeah?”

Jester covers her mouth with her hands, stifling her gasp. “Oh my gosh - do you think she can hear everything you do?”

Veth’s eyes widen to a frightening degree and Essek is worried she might faint on the spot. “Has she been with us this whole time? Who is she?”

“I mean, i -” Beauregard gets out before Jester motions to Veth, “Do you remember anything about her, Nott?”

Getting closer to her, Caleb drops down to one knee, putting himself at her height. “Go over it again, in your mind. Tell us the story again.”

“Oh, well,” Veth uneasily starts. Her eyes are resolutely on the ground, her fists clenched tightly into the yellow fabric of her skirt. “Um - ah, I-I’ll s-skip, I’ll skip some of it, um. The-the-the pertinent parts are, um, they, they took me to a river, they drowned me -”

And while Essek has heard very briefly that Veth has died once, even though he’s pieced together that she was brought back through a perverse usage of  _ reincarnate _ , it fills him with a cold anguish to imagine that - Veth dead, dying, held underwater in some river to die and not being allowed the mercy to stay dead. Having to be brought back in a body that isn’t your own.

An execution much like consecution, without the luxury of a childhood in the new body to get used to it.

She recounted her kidnapping, the way she sacrificed herself for her family, leading to her fight with one of the goblins and the subsequent retaliation they had against her when she managed to kill one of them - the way they killed her and how the mage brought her back in this form.

As she explained it, Caleb gently took her hands while Fjord brought out a map, so they could figure out where exactly it all had happened as they made tentative plans to go out and search for the mage, narrowing it down to somewhere in the Merrow Valley from Veth’s memory of it all. Beauregard, who had busied herself looking at the map, kept glancing furtively over at Veth, bothered and worried, and Essek felt himself mirroring those feelings, feeling his chest tighten about the horror and trauma Veth went through.

“So, the - the woman that you can remember, ah, turning you into this form wasn’t a goblin?” Beauregard asked. “It was someone else.”

“No,” Veth answers. “She was a human - humanoid?” She frowns, looking away. “She was older, wearing robes that, that covered her almost all the way. Lots of wrinkles.” She shudders, leaning closer to Caleb. “She said something - something about a debt has been paid.”

“A debt has been paid - like the goblins owed her a debt?” Jester says. “Or no, she owed the goblins a debt.”

“She must have owed them a debt,” Veth agrees.

“ _ Ja _ , that’s what it sounds like,” Caleb nods, staring resolutely at the map. “Ah, this, this goblin, ah, wife, ah, settled up with who-whoever this, ah, woman was, and an exchange was made, and -” He looks up at Veth. “Sh-she must be close to that place, and otherwise - you will just have to throw up your hands and accept -” He squeezes her hands. “It’s - it's the only option.”

Veth’s shoulders drop in resignation. “Of course, but I mean, we would have to go and find - find the goblins who, who-who did this first, and, and there’s many of them, and-and they move a lot.”

Beauregard puts a hand to her temple, closing her eyes tightly. She looks like she might be sick. “I’ve got cottonmouth,” she gets out, taking a deep breath. She blindly reaches for the waterskin she has hanging off her belt. “Does anybody want, ah, anything to drink?” She blinks hard, looking around at them, and there’s an unfocused look to her eyes that is new and unsettling, and as she looks around one more time she shakes it off, turning to Fjord. “We should go - why don’t we go?” She looks at Jester now. “Why don’t we go back home?”

“Go back -” Veth starts, and then her and Beauregard finish together, “To the Xhorhaus.”

With a nod, Beauregard begins to scratch at her arms, and it reminds Essek so much of what Caleb does when he’s stressed and anxious that he knows that something has clicked for Beauregard, something is making her nervous. “Gods, I’m itchy.”

Fjord meets Caduceus’ eyes before Fjord asks her, “What is wrong with you?”

“Are you okay?” Veth echoes, at the same time Jester repeats, “Itchy?”

She clenches her hands into fists and drops them to her sides. “I’m just, like, sweaty all of a sudden. Let’s - let’s go, um, back to the, um -”

Caleb watches her carefully, slowly pulling himself to his feet but still not letting go of Veth’s hand. “You’re feeling sick?”

“A little,” Beauregard admits, and the way she meets Caleb’s eyes, Essek knows something unspoken has passed between them.

He nods. “Yeah, we should get you back then.”

“Yeah,” Beauregard agrees.

“And we can pick this up there,” Caleb finishes. He looks to Essek, seriousness and worry warring across his face. “Um, she does this, it's an extreme case of syphilis. It surfaces once in a while, so you know, she takes some ste-”

“You have syphilis?” Fjord whispers to Beauregard, sounding worried as Essek thinks back on how human and elven anatomy differed in certain ways, but having heard enough cautionary tales in his youth to know what syphilis was - and an extreme case, well -

His alarm must have shown on his face because Veth assured him, “It’s in remission.”

“Yeah,” Caleb nods, and he sounds so serious Essek isn’t sure if he’s actually being serious or not.

Essek wrings his hands together. “Alright.” He’s not sure if he should offer to help with that - he’s not a cleric, and they have two who would probably know much more about medical spellwork that could alleviate Beauregard’s symptoms than he does.

“I try to keep it under wraps, but thanks, Caleb,” Beauregard grits out.

“Oh, well, we are friends,” Caleb says easily, gesturing to Essek, and Essek knows it’s not the time but he can’t help the warmth that surges through him again, that cascading comfort when he hears Caleb say that they’re friends.

“We are,” Beauregard agrees. She watches Essek, taking him in. “We’re good friends, aren’t we, Essek?”

“Apparently,” Essek admits, because he’s certain that the information of Beauregard’s condition is very sensitive and personal information that they don’t share with just anyone - not even Fjord, from the sound of it. There’s a beat of what begins to feel like awkward silence that Essek rushes to gloss over, trying to deflect attention off of Beauregard as her hands shake at her sides. Essek looks to Veth, earnestly saying, “My apologies that this did not work in your favor.” He hadn’t said anything the entire time they’d discussed, merely observing it all, but he wanted her to know that he did feel bad, and hoped that she would see that he wanted this to work out for her too.

“No, thank - thank you for helping us get this far,” Veth said, giving him a grateful nod.

“Thank you for everything,” Caduceus echoes as Jester nods in agreement.

“I hope the cheese was alright,” Essek adds, feeling awkward as soon as the sentence is out of his mouth. He was really bad at being a host.

“It was delicious,” Jester assured him. She gave him a halfhearted frown. “Your pastries could use some work, but the cheese was delicious.”

He made a mental note to tell Nathrae of that, telling Jester, “I accept the criticism.”

Caduceus makes a vague motion. “Is it alright if I take a little of the cheese to-to -”

An idea comes to Essek suddenly as he nods in response to Caduceus, and, taking a page out of Fjord’s book to try and lighten the mood, Essek says, “I will punish the bakery.”

“So sorry for -” Veth starts before Jester shakes her head quickly, getting out, “Don’t punish, Essek.” She sounds exasperated and scolding as everyone raises a brow at Essek’s words. “Just order better things next time,” Jester finishes.

“I was attempting a joke,” Essek tells her, and then Beauregard bursts into laughter as Caduceus and Yasha smile, and Essek smiles too when he sees Caleb’s eyes look infinitesimally less sad than before. It was barely a dent in what Caleb was surely feeling, but a change nonetheless.

“Sorry for digging up, digging up your garden back there, too,” Veth says.

Essek waves her worry aside. “Ah, it is fine. Easy to fix. Um -” He looks around at them, all milling around his laboratory, at the way Caleb keeps glancing between Veth and Beauregard, the two members of the group who seem the most affected at the moment - looking out for others when Essek knows that Caleb was deeply affected too. “Anyway, I,” Essek says, motioning for the door to begin leading them down.

Beauregard takes a step forward. “Sorry, the - to dash like this,” she apologizes.

He gives her a small nod. “Of course, if there are things to do -”

“We could also help you one day put together your garden again,” Yasha offers, gesturing to the group, but mostly to Caduceus.

“I can have, ah, some servants take care of that,” he assures her, even though the idea does appeal to him, giving him an excuse to have them over again. But it felt too much like a favor, too much like calling something in when he just wanted to replicate the way they expressed enjoying his company.

Caleb rushes out, “We-we will see you soon.” It sounds like a promise, soft and sweet. He gestures to Beauregard. “She snaps back like that,” he snaps his fingers. “She’s like that.”

“Wonderful,” Essek nods. He opens the door with the flick of his wrist, and they all file out ahead of him, with Jester leading the charge.

Veth slips away from Caleb’s side, going to hold Beauregard’s hand now at the back of the group, with Caleb making his way out right behind them before Essek stops him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. Caleb turns to him, looking down at him with those blue eyes that were a hue Essek had never known until he’d met Caleb. He wanted to - to comfort him? Offer his assistance again? Pull him in for a hug and hope that would convey it all?

Instead, he says, “If - if at all possible, um, because I helped author the completion of this, would I be able to make a copy of this, but for my own records?”

“O-of course,” Caleb breathes out, taking a step closer to him. “I would not have been able to do it without you,” Caleb tells him, covering the hand that Essek still has on Caleb’s shoulder with his own.

“Wonderful,” Essek repeats, because he finds that he can’t think of anything else to say as he hesitantly moves a little closer to Caleb too.

“This is your spell, as well as mine,” Caleb assures him.

“Thank you,” Essek smiles, and he sees the sweet smile that spreads across Caleb’s face slowly, notices the way that Caleb’s eyes flick down to his lips before slowly dragging up to meet his gaze again.

“And, the archmage’s,” Caleb jokes wryly. Essek lets out a puff of a breath, and the moment feels loaded, like something might give as Caleb lets out a whispered, “Alright?” and he crowds into Essek a little closer and Essek starts to work up the courage meet him halfway -

“You all talk so closely when you speak to one another,” Beauregard comments, and Caleb’s head whips to her where she’s peeking into the room, watching the pair.

“We didn’t want to upset you. I know how you get when they - when it flares like that,” Caleb sighs, pulling away from Essek.

Beauregard quirks a brow. “Yeah.”

“So, let’s get you home,” he finishes, getting to the door and blocking Essek’s view of Beauregard, but not before he caught the suggestive raise of her eyebrows and the way Beauregard pressed her hands together with a smirk that told Essek that she had most  _ definitely _ pieced it together.

Dear gods what had he gotten himself into.

Caleb steers Beauregard out of the room, and Essek is frozen on the spot for a second, replaying the moment in his head, thinking about what might have happened if she hadn’t spoken up, and not able to decide whether her interruption had been for the better or for the worst - but feeling disappointed about not knowing if Caleb would taste like the wine he’d drank downstairs, if his lips would be soft against his, if he’d hold Essek close the way that Essek so desperately wanted to hold Caleb.

* * *

After leaving Essek’s tower and heading to the Xhorhaus, Beau tells them why she had begun to feel sick and nervous - Nott’s story eerily resembled the story that her father always told, the one where he attributed his wealth and success to an old fortune teller woman in the woods. Looking at the map again, the area where her father said the woman lived coincides with the area where Nott could have been taken, and in spite of Beau’s obvious hesitation and discomfort she agrees to lead the group to Kamordah, to her father’s estate so that they could ask him how to find the woman.

It was their closest shot to severing whatever hold she had on Nott.

Caleb kneels down inside the labrary, having most of the  _ teleportation circle _ for Zadash’s Cobalt Soul archive drawn out as he waits for everyone to gather their things.

“We don’t need to tell E-essek we’re leaving? We don’t need to do anything? We’re just gonna go?” Nott asks as she packs oranges into Jester’s haversack while the pair join Caleb.

“I’m gonna - I’m gonna tell Essek we’re leaving,” Jester says, pulling out her copper wire.

“Yeah, last thing I said to him is that we would see him soon, so,” Caleb added. He feels the ghost of his touch on his shoulder, remembers the way Essek’s eyes had begun to flutter shut when Caleb had leaned closer in his laboratory. Caleb really, really wanted to see him soon.

_“Hey, Essek,”_ Jester starts, and Caleb has seen her do this enough times that he’s sure Essek is used to it by now too. _“We’re going to find that evil laughing lady, so that means we’ll be back, I don’t know when.”_ She thinks for a second. _“We’ll be at the negotiations,_ though, don’t worry. Breakfast was fun.” Jester gets quiet for a second, concentrating on whatever Essek says back to her. She turns to Caleb, completely serious. “He says he loves you so much, Caleb.”

He feels like he’s under the effects of his own  _ haste _ spell as his heartbeat quickens in his chest.

Nott’s eyes widen. “What?”

“Yeah, he does,” Jester nods.

Fjord, who seemingly caught the tail end of that, asks, “He did?”

Jester looks at Caleb, nodding some more. “Yeah, he was like, ‘Caleb is so -’”

The rest of her words are lost on Caleb as she sees the quirk of her lips and he knows she’s lying. A sudden rush of emotions crashes through him, and now he knows what it feels like for his spell to end too, for that sudden wave of lethargy to hit with such strength.

And just like that, Jester’s laughing, and Caleb wills himself to laugh too, now that she knows that he’s realized she was messing with him.

Still, Caleb couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that he’d allowed himself to get his hopes up. Essek Thelyss, saying he loved him - that was certainly something that would never happen.

Someone like Essek falling for someone like him - yeah, Caleb sighed, finishing the sigil for Zadash once everyone was in the room. That was never going to happen.

* * *

Once at the archive, their research grants them a name - Isharnai, the Prism Sage. A  _ scry _ and a night at the Evening Nip followed by a few days journey on horseback leads them to the Lionette Estate in Kamordah, where the Mighty Nein meet Beau’s family.

It's tense and awkward and horrible all around, especially when her father arrives. Beau’s choked up and guarded and a wreck in a way that none of them had ever really seen before. She keeps her arms crossed in front of herself but rather than looking intimidating and formidable, she looks tiny, like she wants to shrink away and disappear.

The whole evening is painful to watch, and it makes something angry and upset unfurl in Caleb’s chest to know how much Beau was hurting - but then they’re outside again, leaving the estate, heading out to find Isharnai, and Beau pulls them all into a group hug, with Nott, Jester, and Yasha enveloping her in their arms and Caduceus, Fjord, and himself joining in to encircle them too. It’s cold and muddy, but Beau’s crying is turning into exhausted sniffles, and Caleb figures that this is part of what being a real family is about. Hugging and crying and rain and comfort, all at once, just to make things better, even if it's only by a little bit. Just to be there for each other, to help keep the jagged edges together when fractures threaten to shatter everything to pieces.

* * *

Essek tried to keep himself busy, doing his job to the utmost perfect and taking on other projects and research opportunities, all to keep from thinking about the message.

“ _ We shall meet to discuss in Nicodranas, before the Empire ships set out to meet your people. I hope your  _ disguises _ are good, Shadowhand. _ ”

As spymaster, he already had information at his disposal about the rudimentary inner workings about many places throughout Wildemount and beyond, and the city of Nicodranas was no exception. He had a few guises he could don, some crafted and established by their spies already - but that was dangerous. He needed someone completely new so that no one would even know he was there. Maybe he could pose as a visiting lesser noble from Marquet? The Martinet could introduce him as a friend and that’s why he -

He cuts himself off with a scowl. Friend of the Martinet, he scoffs. He’d been nothing more than a tool with the way they’d treated him. His friends would never treat him like that.

A gentle warmth begins to spread through his chest as he thought about them before it got dashed on the rocks of his anxiety. Here he was, plotting with the enemy, the enemy that had not only hurt his people, but that had personally hurt members of the Mighty Nein - that had personally hurt Caleb.

With a downtrodden sigh, Essek went back to the reports he was writing up. All of this had been in motion before he’d ever even met the Mighty Nein - he didn’t know this would happen, didn’t know it would be them that would finally make Essek care, that would finally make him  _ want _ to care.

And now, as he’s realizing just how much they mean to him, he can’t take what he’s done back. All he can do is see it through to the end, the one they had found, the one that seemed to be leading both nations to a tenuous peace that Essek had so carelessly thrown away for the Assembly years ago.

* * *

Now that they’ve been on the road - and attacked by harpies and almost lost their way - Caleb decides that it's as good a time as any to tap into discarded timelines. As they go, he pauses for a moment, pulling out the piece of obsidian and closing his eyes.

_ “Commit to it, feel it in your chest, and pull it until the potentiality spills out,” Essek had whispered into his ear, pressed close to his back and guiding Caleb through the motions. _

He thinks of the spell he wants, a small smile on his face as he creates the slash in the air, and when he opens them again there’s a Shadow Caleb - an Echo Caleb, standing right in front of him.

Echo Caleb - and Caleb knew that was the correct terminology since that’s what Essek had called their shadow duplicates, but Caleb wanted to coin a catchier name for him, maybe using his last name? - came to stand beside him, nodding his head once at Caleb.

Caleb nodded in turn, falling back into step behind his friends as Nott assured Jester that Jester’s  _ invoke duplicity _ was cool but sweet, while Caleb’s  _ resonant echo  _ was cool and mysterious. Caleb could see his Echo - Echo Widogast? Shadow Caleb? - out of the corner of his eye, moving silently beside him, and if he focused enough on what was ahead of them as they carried on their way, Caleb could almost pretend that it was Essek floating right next to him, graceful and quiet and ethereal, a comfort in all the nervousness that threatened to overwhelm Caleb the closer they got to breaking Nott’s curse.

* * *

“ _ I want to see the beacon you are returning to the Dynasty, to ensure it is the correct one _ ,” Essek  _ sends _ , the unspoken,  _ that I stole _ hanging in the pause. “ _ The Queen will notice the difference. _ ”

_ “It will be the proper one, _ ” Ludinus assures, sounding annoyed. “ _ We assumed she would be able to tell the difference. We don’t underestimate  _ your _ Queen. _ ”

Essek grits his teeth, holding onto the copper tightly before setting it on his nightstand. Any correspondence with the Martinet was infuriating. He was so, so stupid for throwing in his lot with these people - because while he may have been treated like a child here, at least they didn’t look down on him as if he were a pest.

He buried his head in his hands, trying and failing to banish the all consuming feeling that had plagued him for the past couple of days - the regret, widening like a chasm in his chest, ready to swallow him whole, all for his selfishness that had gotten him nothing but a rope around his neck that threatened to tighten.

All of this had brought the Mighty Nein to him, though, he feebly reminded himself. All of this had let them meet. He let out a shaky breath. They held the rope that he’d put around his neck, his punishment as the universe had sent them to be his judge, jury, and executioners for his crimes. Even though he knew he didn’t deserve it, he hoped they would be merciful.

* * *

Coming back from having seen the hut from all around through Frumpkin’s eyes and relaying that the only way in or out - that he could see - had been the front door, the Mighty Nein, as always, decided to just go up and knock. A terrifying prospect, but they had gone into the mouth of an astral dreadnought, so this couldn’t be scarier than that, right?

As they neared the entrance, Caleb sent his Shadow Widogast - that seemed like a mouthful, he certainly liked saying Shadow rather than Echo, so now it was just what he was going to add to the end of that - away from the group, to stand around the corner of the house and peek out toward the front. He had his spell at the ready, to be used as soon as Caleb and the group needed it.

Fjord and Yasha led the charge, with Yasha knocking on the already slightly ajar door which pushes it open further. With a hint of trepidation, Fjord and Yasha continue inside, and when Fjord turns back to them, his eyes have taken on the glassy quality that gives away that he’s using  _ see invisibility _ from his Star Razor. He steps back out, allowing Beau and Nott - who has turned herself  _ invisible _ once they got closer - to investigate the hut, leaving Caduceus and Yasha on the porch while Fjord ushers Caleb and Jester back to the front of the house.

They scan the treeline from where they stand, and Caleb takes comfort in seeing Raven-Frumpkin still circling around overhead. Fjord glances back towards the hut and goes instantly pale.

“Right,” Fjord mumbles under his breath. He coughs once, clearing his throat. “Isharnai!” he calls out.

Jester and Caleb exchange a look before their eyes turn back to Fjord, watching as he almost flinches as he sees something they can’t, before Fjord says, “We come seeking a conversation.”

“Interesting,” an incorporeal voice answers, from somewhere nearby. Caduceus glances up towards the roof, and Caleb realizes she’s been watching them the entire time, seeing their meager preparations before they approached and the boldness in their actions as they stepped inside uninvited.

A cloud of dust kicks up beside Jester once she reveals to Isharnai that she had been the one  _ scrying _ on her, and then there’s the sound of movement away from them before Isharnai lets herself be seen, showing her towering form, hunched over and covered in dark robes, her greasy black hair framing her sallow face, making the wrinkles there look much more pronounced. Her arms hang low by her sides, showing how unnaturally long they are, and the way she moves reveals the double joints, the dual elbows on each arm that make her even more unnerving.

Isharnai steps up past Yasha, Caduceus, and Beau - and Nott, he hopes, since she is still  _ invisible _ \- who are exiting her hut and then Isharnai goes to sit at the table, in full view of the party, inviting them inside to talk one at a time.

Despite Fjord’s obvious terror, he swallows it down and heads into the hag’s hut first. Everyone nervously waits for him outside, and when he reemerges a little over five minutes later, he tells them she’s a dealmaker.

“She’s attracted by misery,” Fjord says. “Not existing, but perhaps new.”

Misery - it rings in Caleb’s head, dredging up all of the memories that have haunted him for years.

“It seems we’ll have to give something in order to have your curse lifted,” Fjord finishes, looking to Nott.

They have to give something - give something...Caleb stares down at his hands, thinking about all the misery they have wrought as Beau breaks off from the group and goes into the hag’s hut without a word.

As they wait, Caleb looks over to his Echo, sees him still peeking around the corner. He glances up and sees Frumpkin still flying overhead. They have to give something…

Beau comes out after spending a little more time than Fjord had with the hag, and she’s agitated, tears in her eyes as she stalks over to the group. She won’t meet their eyes, and only tells Nott to go talk to her next.

Jester takes in the way Beau looks, drawing closer to her. “Beau, what did you do?” When Beau just looks at her sadly Jester asks again, “What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Beau answers. Her eyes are red rimmed. “Not yet.”

Before anyone can say anything else, the door to the hag’s hut shuts again, and they know Nott’s inside with her.

Caleb feels the weight of his books, of his spellbook where it sits in it's holster. He puts his hands into his pockets, and in one of the pockets of his coat, there’s a few pearls and the piece of obsidian, along with a small pouch of gold dust and gem infused chalks. In the other pocket is the phosphorus coated string, some pieces of amber, sulfur and bat guano. They’re all so familiar to him now, and his chest tightens, his breath coming in a little shallow.

When Nott joins them again, she’s dropped her  _ invisibility _ , and she’s shifty, deflecting questions about what she offered. Beau seems particularly set on the conversation she had with the hag.

Nott sees that, and asking, “What did you offer, Beau?” Beau remains silent, but there are tears running down her face. “I offered war,” Nott confesses.

Beau tries to speak, putting a hand to her mouth as she turns her eyes skyward, blinking back her tears. “I think TJ, my little brother, and Luc could be best friends,” she chokes out, looking at Nott.

“Did you offer to kill them?” Jester whispers.

That startles a humorless laugh out of Beau. “No,” she answers, shaking her head.

“What do you mean?” Nott presses.

Silence drags on as Beau swallows down her tears, fighting to hold back the rest that threaten to fall. “I’m good at being a loner,” she finally gets out. “I’m used to it.”

Caleb’s watching her carefully, feeling the icy claws of dread sink into his heart.

“I’m comfortable there,” Beau lies outright.

Nott shakes her head. “What does that mean? Y-y-you would - you’d be isolated or something?”

Beau looks up again, and Caleb knows she’s picking out her words with more care than anything, trying to weave the weight of her sacrifice into something palatable. “The things we’ve done together,” she starts, “I’m never gonna top that.” She gives them a watery smile, showing them just how much she loves them in just that expression. “And you’re right - we have to fix you, ‘cause you have a son,” she tells Nott. “You have a little boy to raise. And all of us -” She gestures around to everyone, “are eventually going to find our own way. It’s not gonna last forever.” She says the last word on an exhale, just a puff of air between them all that drifts into the darkening sky. “And, you know, maybe,” she struggles with herself, shaking where she stands. “Maybe this is what it was all leading to, you know - Molly’s lessons that he taught me, and this weird connection between me and you, and this fucking hag and -”

Fjord starts to ask again, “Beau, what did you -” before Jester cuts in.

“What are you talking about?” Jester interrupts, moving to take Beau’s hand in hers but Beau steps back, away from her, and Jester’s hand just hangs in the air between them. “Are you saying you’re going to kill yourself? Are you saying - what are you saying?”

“No, no,” Beau says, shaking her head.

“She’s saying she’ll leave all this,” Yasha quietly answers for her.

Jester drops her hand. “You’re going to leave us?”

“You all are the greatest family I could ever ask for,” Beau tells her instead. “I can’t - I can’t top this, you know?”

“Then don’t offer that - don’t offer that at all,” Jester huffs, but she’s pleading with her, she can see as well as Caleb and Nott and everyone in the group that Beau has seemingly made up her mind.

“But - but,” Beau starts, before she gives another broken breath of laughter. “Think about it.”

Yasha cuts between the group, heading into the hut, and Beau hugs herself tightly, her tears falling faster now. Caduceus looks at the door where Yasha disappeared inside, and Nott holds Jester’s hand, and Fjord shakes his head, and Caleb - Caleb feels the magic that he’s always weaved at his fingertips, he feels it humming beneath his skin, and he can only imagine the chasm of misery that would widen within him, all of that  _ new _ misery to add to his already large collection if he were to give it up for Nott.

There’s the sound of laughter - unfamiliar, unsettling laughter, and it makes Caleb’s skin crawl.

He would do this, he thinks to himself, clutching his pearls and the obsidian tightly in his hands. He looks up at Frumpkin, glances at his Echo. He would do this.

As soon as Yasha walks out, before Caleb can even move the short distance to the door, Jester has already slipped away from Nott’s grasp and the door is already shutting behind her as she takes her audience with the hag.

After a few minutes of quiet, Beau strides up to the door, knocking on it loudly.

Jester shouts, “I’m in the middle of talking!”

Beau hesitates there, and Caleb thinks about going over to her, wrenching the door open and offering his magic, offering to give it up for good, but he decides to just wait until Jester comes out instead. He doesn’t want to risk getting on the hag’s bad side when they’ve already been dealt a losing hand.

When Jester finally comes out, she has a smile on her face. Caleb moves to head inside as does Beau, but Jester claps her hands together, saying, “Oop - we gotta go.” She grabs Beau’s hand, dragging her off the porch and to the rest of the group. She pats Nott on the arm. “You’re good - let’s go.”

“What?” Nott asks, staring at Jester as if Jester has grown a second head.

“Let’s go - come on! Let’s go, let’s go,” Jester insists.

Fjord drops his voice, “What do - what do you mean?”

Jester whispers to all of them, “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“I need to go - I need to get the tincture,” Nott tells her.

“You,” Jester starts, patting Nott’s arm again. “No, you don’t. Your curse is broken - a deal has been made. Everything’s fine.”

Nott now looks at her in alarm. “What did you give her?”

“What do you mean it’s been broken?” Fjord echoes.

“I gave her something very precious,” Jester rushes out. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“Your hands are still there,” Nott notes.

Jester smiles brightly, flexing her fingers. “I know! You know what, she ended up being a really nice lady.”

She ushers them away from the hut quickly, and Caleb turns around to see his Echo following behind them to stay within the  _ resonant echo’s _ range. He has no idea what Jester has done, no idea what she gave the hag to lift the curse, but he lets her drag them all away, feeling the hum of his magic as it settles again, the fear of losing it fading slightly as he follows his friends into the swamp.

* * *

Fortunately, it seems like Jester took care of Isharnai - unfortunately before she was able to explain how exactly she took care of the hag armed with only a blueberry cupcake, they were attacked by husk zombies as Caleb set up the dome in the swamp.

Although the battle didn’t last long - and Shadow Widogast was able to showcase his dexterity by dodging a few attacks and his hardiness by taking a few hits before casting  _ fireball _ and disappearing - they were all much more exhausted when they finally finished, with Fjord casting  _ major image _ to draw away the rest of the husks that had gotten closer once they heard the noises of battle.

It isn’t until then that Caleb finally drops his Capeleb form and brings up the dome and they all collapse within, covered in muck and gore and looking all worse for wear yet glad that that was over.

“Not that this isn’t the most comfortable place we’ve ever been in, but now that we’re in here,” Fjord starts, shifting where he sits between Caleb and Caduceus, “do you - Jester, do you mind telling us what actually happened?”

“Oh, yes!” Nott chimes from Caleb’s other side, turning to Jester where she sits between Caduceus and Beau. The dome, although great for protection, makes for a cramped sitting arrangement, and with the tree stump still partially in the dome it meant for even cozier quarters. “What the fuck happened in there?”

Jester grimaces, wringing her hands and staring out into the misty darkness of the swamp, keeping an eye on the few husks that wander nearby. “Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” She looks down, then around at the group, before she looks out again when she meets Caleb’s gaze. “Um - um, well, um, okay. So, do you remember when I told you guys that, um, I could maybe do some, like, spells that would maybe affect people’s memories and stuff?”

Caleb’s hand stills where it was picking at an earthworm in the moist swamp soil near the trunk’s roots, pausing his feeding of Frumpkin.

Caduceus shakes his head as Nott frowns, “Don’t remember that, but -”

“Wow, you’re real good,” Caduceus smiles, impressed.

That makes Jester laugh slightly. “No,” she gets out, sobering immediately. She looks around at them again. “Um, I told you, I r - w- I don’t know, was I around everyone?” She meets Caleb’s gaze and she nods, as if all it took was one look at him to jog her memory. “Oh, we were talking about it with Essek, right?”

“Yeah,” Caleb answers quietly. It was outside of the Dungeon of Penance, after Fjord had interrogated Taskhand Tasithar. He fights off the ghost of a false memory, one where his parents conspired in whispers against the Empire.

Jester nods to herself again. “Um, anyway, um, yes, so I - I-I sort of altered her memory, just a little, to where she was like, ‘Oh my gosh, Jester!’” Jester giggles quietly, covering her mouth to keep from attracting the husks to them. “I made her think that she, like, really liked me and that we had, like, a really amazing time hanging out, like, we braided each other’s hair and, you know, she just took, like, an immediate liking to me, maybe she saw a little bit of herself in me, I don’t know, you know.” She claps her hands together in her lap. “And, um, so, and then she, um, she was like ‘Oh my gosh, I just like you so much. What can I do to make you happy?’ And I was like, ‘Oh, change, you know, help Nott out and change that.’ And she did.”

Everyone stares at Jester absolutely dumbfounded.

“And it just worked?” Nott squeaked. “Did - did she - did she realize what you had done?”

“Well,” Jester starts, before she shakes her head. “No, but she did seem a little confused at the end. And you know what? I don’t know if that’s normal ‘cause I’ve never done this before, but just in case, possibly, that it's not normal, I just thought maybe it would be smart to leave.”

Fjord nods, still seeming unconvinced, “Sure.”

“But, you know -” Jester continues.

“That is incredible!” Nott grins.

“If - if it did work, and if it does stick, then, you know, I have a really cool powerful good friend who likes cupcakes a lot,” Jester smiles. “I’m gonna send her some, for sure.”

“Seems only fair,” Nott muses.

Caleb involves himself minimally in the rest of that conversation, feeling the way his stomach churns and his chest tightens. Frumpkin hops into his lap, and Caleb pets him like his life depends on it, running his hand over Frumpkin’s feathers, and when Jester gently whispers his name he pretends he didn’t hear over everyone else talking.

Then the conversation turns to prices paid and how Nott was still worried about Beau’s family, even though Beau waves her worries aside despite being worried herself. Jester and Caduceus believe that Beau’s father  _ has _ been paying the price this whole time, that the price had been his unhappiness, his unhappy marriage, driving away his daughter.

“And now he has a son,” Beau gets out.

“He’ll do the same thing,” Jester tells her.

“Maybe,” Beau shrugs.

Caduceus can see how unconvinced she is. “I -”

“Or maybe the price has been paid,” Beau sighs.

She sounds so dejected, and it seems like they’re torn between letting the witch live and risking her coming to collect from her father, and killing the witch and risking her father’s wealth and the life he’s created disappear overnight.

“What’s done is done,” Caleb says, the words coming out on an exhale. If the hag came calling for a payment, they would deal with that then. For now though, Beau was with them, with her family, and there was no use dwelling on it. “You can’t turn back time.”

He stares down at Frumpkin in his lap, listens to the conversation as it picks up around him and he realizes what he’s said, realizes it goes against everything he’s been working towards. You can’t turn back time - he wants to instantly scoff at his words, wants to take them back because you can, he would, he’d find a way to do it.

For a terrifying moment though, he finds that he doesn’t want to, not anymore, not the way he used to. He doesn’t want to turn back time - doesn’t want to risk losing what he’s created here, with these people, with his family.

It's such a new feeling, this hesitation when it comes to time and magic, that he shoves it to the back of his mind.

Then Nott brings up the deal Beau almost took to break Nott’s curse, and that tightness in Caleb’s chest clamps down like a vice.

“Hey, Caleb? Can anybody  _ scry _ on us in the hut?” Jester asks him.

“Ah, well, we are packed pretty tightly and no one can  _ scry _ on me,” Caleb answers her, speaking up for more than a one worded comment again. “So, probably not at the moment.”

“Okay,” Jester nods. “Just making sure.”

He nudges Beau’s knee with his boot.

Beau looks at him. “What?”

“Don’t go,” he says quietly.

“Well, I mean, this isn’t gonna last forever, right?” Beau shrugs, but it's half hearted, trying poorly to cover up how upset she feels saying that. “So if -”

“That doesn’t mean you pull the pin on it,” Caduceus tells her.

“Follow your own advice,” Caleb gets out, remembering their conversation that felt like a lifetime ago, where she told him to have faith in the group, where she urged him not to run. “Don’t go.”

Everyone else, with Fjord leading the charge, assures Beau about how much they care about her, about how much more there is in the world for her - and then the conversation takes a turn to Beau’s family again, with the idea of kidnapping her brother from her neglectful parents briefly being tossed around. Then the conversation turns again, this time to reassuring Nott that she isn’t a bad mother for being away from Luc during this time.

“But I could be there - I can, as soon as, as soon as we want,” Nott says, looking around at them all.

And that’s what they’re heading towards now - Nott’s departure, now that the curse is broken. Nott returning to her family and leaving the group - leaving Caleb.

Nott though - Nott’s hesitant. She misses her family, but she’ll miss them too, and she’s not exactly sure what she wants anymore. Caleb swallows down his feelings. He can’t start to miss her yet - that’ll only be putting distance between the two prematurely. He just needs to appreciate everything now, every moment that they all get together. One last run, whatever that may be.

When Beau offers to lead them all through some meditation - to help Nott work through her feelings, so she can find a sober way to think things through - they all follow suit, all squeezing in around each other and laying on their backs despite how tightly they’re packed into the dome.

It's hard for Caleb, with how his thoughts run rampant, even more so in the as close-to-silence as they’ll get in a zombie swamp. He thinks of all his worries and fears and plans and what they’ll do about the Assembly and the peace talks and ideas for future spells, all his thoughts jumbling up and folding in on each other.

He thinks of Nott, the way she used to wear her mask and bandages to hide herself, how being in Xhorhas has helped her cope with her situation. He thinks of Jester and Caduceus making the Xhorhaus home, adding the tree and the hot tub and carving out that space for them with Jester’s art and Caduceus’ teas. He thinks of Beau, how much she used to loathe the books that she now devours with as much excitement as Caleb does. He thinks of Fjord, who is learning to accept himself for who he is, not trying to go through life as someone else anymore. He thinks of Yasha, fitting back in now that she’s with the group again, the hesitance that has slowly started to disappear as she sees how much everyone cares about her. He thinks of Mollymauk, about leaving everywhere they go better than they found it. He thinks of Essek.

Essek, all guiding touches and intelligent eyes and hesitant smiles and breathtaking magic. Essek, who has helped them so much, who Caleb wants to reach out to more, who Caleb wants to help too. He thinks of the regret he saw in his eyes outside of the Dungeon of Penance, thinks of how he’s had to deal with peers that view him as only a child.

Caleb wants to reach out and hold him tight and help him grow, the way these people have all helped him and each other.

By the time the mediation ends, everyone except for Beau, Jester, and himself are asleep. Nott is tucked into his side, and when he turns his head he can see Fjord using Caduceus’ shoulder as a pillow. He lifts his head, looking over Nott, seeing Yasha fast asleep beside Beau, a protective arm wrapped around her waist. Beau meets his eyes and gives him a tired smile before she curls up with her, reaching blindly behind herself to hold Jester’s hand and trying to get to sleep.

Jester’s sitting up, keeping watch, and Caleb is about to let himself go to sleep too when Jester whispers, “I just want to apologize, Caleb. I-I mean, I just want you to know that I would never use anything to modify a memory on you or, or Yasha or anyone that - that we know.”

Slowly, Caleb sits up, and thankfully Nott doesn’t wake up.

“You know, I know what it means, and I…” Jester trails off, looking down at where she’s holding Beau’s hand.

“Well, ah,” Caleb starts, working to find his voice. “It’s, ah, it's a tricky thing, and it's all about what you do with it, really.”

“Yeah,” Jester nods slowly.

“And you did a good thing,” Caleb assures her as much as he reassures himself.

She gives him a small smile. “Yeah.”

Caleb returns it, looking down at Nott. “You made her happier.”

“I think so,” Jester comments.

He pats Nott’s head when she lets out a particularly loud snore. “And it sounds like you made, ah, your new friend happier as well.”

Jester gives a small laugh. “Yeah.” She gives him a soft smile. “Okay. I just wanted to make sure.”

It would never cease to amaze him how much Jester cared about everyone - and he knew that everyone cared just as much too.

“Goodnight, Jester,” Caleb says quietly, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

She began to arrange herself, joining Beau and Yasha’s cuddle pile. “Goodnight, Caleb.”

He watches her for a moment, watches the way she so seamlessly falls in behind Beau, holding her tightly, with her tail wrapping around Yasha’s wrist to keep her close too. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to fit in like that with anyone, wonders about dark skin contrasting with his, white hair like starlight, before he gently settles down beside Nott, feeling the way Frumpkin nestles himself on his chest before sleep takes him under too, with his last thought being the name he would tentative settle on for his Echo, at least for now. He thinks Shadowgast has a nice ring to it.

* * *

_ “Question, _ ” Jester’s voice chimes in at the back of his head. _ “If we needed to  _ teleport _ somewhere, would you be able to do it, ‘cause you love us now? Or, is it still, like, not -” _

Essek sits back in his chair, pausing in his specifications for safeguards on the Dynasty ships that they would be applying the closer they got to the negotiation point. He was glad to hear from them, especially since he knew they’d gone off to fight some mage, and, he had to admit, it did feel nice to still be useful. He doesn’t let himself dwell on the way her words make his heart hammer in his chest. “ _ Well, that depends on where you’re going. If it is a place I don’t know, _ ” he shrugs, even though she can’t see him. _ “There is significant risk - but possible _ ,” he assures, because he can do it. He would do it, for them.

No other message comes through, and Essek likes to think that maybe that means they’re already on their way back, and so he settles into his work again with a renewed vigor and a fluttering excitement at seeing them all again.

* * *

“Can we go now?” Fjord asks, after they’ve interrogated their new housekeeper now at the Xhorhaus and whose name they forgot to ask about.

“Yeah,” Nott nods. “We’re, we’re going to, to -”

“Essek,” Fjord finishes.

“Oh, to Essek,” Nott nods, and she turns to Caleb, just like everyone else does.

He feels uncomfortably on the spot, as if they know something he does - or, well, something he hasn’t allowed himself to think about too deeply. “Ah,” he starts, rubbing his hands together as he feels a creeping blush heat his skin. “I mean, what else are we going to do here?”

Everyone nods at that, and they ready themselves to leave before Nott brings up how they’ll pay the housekeeper, and the group - with protests from some of them - decide to begrudgingly split the 40 gold a month they’ll be paying her.

The conversation begins to drag on, and suddenly Fjord perks up, looking at the ceiling. “Oh, yes, Essek?” Fjord starts. “Oh, we’ll be right there.” He turns to the group. “It’s quite urgent that we get to his place.”

“He’s messaging you?” Nott asks, beating Caleb to the question.

Fjord nods, and Caleb feels a spark of - of jealousy? But it's muted, nothing compared to how insecure he feels. He’d thought Essek and himself were close, that maybe he’d message him, or even Jester since Jester was always the one messaging him. But he’d messaged Fjord instead. Had Fjord and Essek gotten close and Caleb just hadn’t noticed?

Glancing at Fjord, he saw the shit eating grin he was trying to hide from Nott and Jester as they all began to head out towards Essek’s towers, and he realized that Fjord had been joking, that he’d merely said that to get them all moving.

Caleb feels relief before he feels too, too vulnerable. He’d felt so insecure, in that brief moment. He rearranged his scarf around his neck, trying to hide his face as they walked. But he couldn’t hide from his own feelings, he reminded himself, with the way his heartbeat sped up when they saw Essek’s towers punctuating that thought, highlighting it and making itself known even as Caleb did his best to shove it to the back of his mind again.

* * *

“Well, I was not expecting you to return to Rosohna so soon,” Essek smiled as he welcomed them into his home. It hadn’t been that long since Jester messaged him. He looks towards Veth, still in her goblin form. “I take it your journey was successful?”

“Yeah,” Jester answers.

“We believe, so, yes,” Veth nods.

“Should we try the spell again before we go?” Jester asks her.

Veth wrings her hands together nervously. “I mean, I haven’t even really meditated about it yet.”

“Oh, you’re right,” Jester gets out. “Okay.”

Essek’s eyes drift to Caleb, finding him standing at the back of the room. Caleb looks away when Essek meets his gaze, and there’s that lovely shade of pink that rises up his neck, and it makes that feeling flutter in Essek’s chest again.

Still, they had come for help, and he was going to provide. “Well, you said you needed to travel somewhere, so.”

“Yes,” Jester nods. “Is that okay?”

He notes her hesitation, and he remembers how the last time he had  _ teleported _ them had gone, how he’d been cutting with them in the Lotusden. “Yes, it's f - it’s okay,” Essek assures them. His stomach knots when he realizes he’ll be doing this kind of travel alone within the coming days, that he won’t be able to help them get anywhere if they were to ask. “I -” he lets out a nervous laugh. “You know, it prevents me from some of my capabilities throughout the day each time I do this, so while I’m here in my home and things are not requiring me to be,” he swallows down the bile that rises up his throat. “Elsewhere rapidly, thankfully this is a moment in time in which, ah, I am more useful here in the city. But -”

“It's greatly appreciated,” Fjord tells him, and he wants to feel good about that, that they appreciate him, but all the recent talks just make him feel undeserving of their appreciation.

“I’m sure we’ll find a way to balance the scales sometime,” he says, halfheartedly referring to their long running mention of favors even as those words ring truer for all the things he’s done. He hopes he’ll be able to balance the scales, to undo all of the bad he’s selfishly sown.

“Is there any news on your end?” Caleb asks, finally speaking up.

Hearing his voice helps shake Essek out of his thoughts. “What I know is many of the,” he sighs. “Many of the elements of the military on both sides are holding hard lines at the exterior of previous battlefields.” No matter how much he had tried to reason with both the Bright Queen and the Martinet to try and call back some of those soldiers to keep more distance between both militaries, to avoid any risk of a mishap occurring that would end the ceasefire. “There has been some small scale negotiation and discussion as far as preparation for this gathering. Ships have already set out with the prisoner from one of our outposts. It is quite a long trek from our side of Wynandir. I believe the same is begun travelling from the, ah, Dwendalian Empire to eventually find its way towards the Menagerie Coast.” Or so Ludinus had told him.

Jester frowns. “Are - are we going to miss the negotiation?”

“It takes weeks,” Veth tells her.

“The negotiation is about three, three and half weeks from now, I believe,” Essek informs her. That was the tentative time frame agreed upon by both monarchs.

“Okay,” she nods. “Okay.”

“So, as long as you can ensure your return by then,” Essek shrugs. “Otherwise, it’ll just have to continue without you.” Essek wasn’t sure what he wanted - whether he wanted them there, close by, just in case things went south and the Empire at the Assembly’s behest attacked them, or if he wanted them far from it all, so that they would never even have the slightest faintest idea that Essek was a part of the negotiation party.

“Oh, wow,” Jester got out. “Okay.”

Beauregard whispers something to Jester, and they have a quiet conversation as Essek turns to Caleb. “So, where would you like me to take you?”

“Caduceus?” Fjord volunteers.

The man in question startles at being addressed where he stands beside Caleb. He looks at Essek. “Oh, we’re going to, ah, -”

Fjord gives him a careful look. “The menagerie,” he finishes for him. “It's a vast space, yes? So, somewhere more specific?”

“Can you describe exactly where we’re going?” Jester asks, no longer whispering with Beauregard.

“No, I’ve never been there,” Caduceus confesses.

“Didn’t you say it was near the forest that we have been to?” Veth reminds him.

Caduceus shakes his head as Essek delicately interrupts, “Do you not, ah, know where I’m supposed to be taking you? That is - that is impossible.” He needed a location, even if vague, to get the spell to work.

Seeing the way Caduceus begins to clam up, Fjord brings out a map so that Caduceus can point out the location as Jester assures Essek, “No, we know, we know where we’re going.”

Spreading out the map of Xhorhas, Caduceus points out an area to the south. “Whitedawn Lagoon, if I recall.”

“Whitedawn Lagoon,” Essek nods. Right where the Xhorhassian ships were leaving to get to the negotiations. “Right. Okay, I’ve not been there, but I know of its existence, that puts us in a possible chance of arriving.” He hopes the smile he gives them is reassuring.

“Are we, are we gambling with fate by doing - going to this place?” Caleb asks.

“Should I  _ scry _ on the Whitedawn Lagoon?” Jester cuts in. She begins to pull out her components from her bright pink haversack before she pauses. “I don’t have it prepared anyway.”

“I don’t have it prepared, either, so I could not - it would be helpful for me to do so,” Essek explains to her. “Which means we can either go now and chance it or we can try tomorrow.”

“Let’s chance it,” Veth immediately says.

“Chance it!” Fjord and Beauregard agree.

“What’s life without a little risk?” Fjord adds.

“So much can go wrong with this,” Caduceus weakly protests.

“Of course, but so much can go wrong with all sorts of -” Essek starts, keeping his eyes on Caduceus and Caleb in his periphery.

“That’s so true,” Caduceus nods.

“- elements of magic.” His eyes dart to Caleb. So much can go wrong. “Exciting,” Essek continues, because he thinks that if he knew how much he would like them all, how fond he would grow of them, of Caleb, despite all the risks and everything that could go wrong, he would do it again, in a heartbeat. “Though, as we’ve experienced together once before, sometimes painful,” he finishes, because that’s where it was leading to, his pain, in the end.

“Mhm,” Jester hums.

“But, if you insist,” Essek says, because he will savor this as long as it lasts. “Let us all take hands, if you are ready.”

“Oh, boy,” Caduceus gets out as they all begin to form a circle, and suddenly Caleb is beside him, and he’s taking Essek’s outstretched hand. “Ah, just for fun,” Caduceus adds, “I’m going to, ah, make a prayer for everything to go well.” He closes his eyes, as does Fjord beside him.

As they’re finishing that, Jester steps in front of Essek, putting her hands on his shoulders. “The Traveler is with you, my child,” she tells him.

“Thank you, Jester,” Essek answers, unsure how he feels about that but feeling an odd feeling in his arms, as if another set of hands that had held him when Jester did had let go just a beat after Jester. He feels Caleb give his hand a squeeze, and when Essek glances at him Caleb’s smiling sweetly, fondly. They thread their fingers together, holding tightly to each other.

He takes a few steps closer to the center of the sitting room of his tower, and the furniture pushes towards the walls to give them more space. It’s then that everyone else takes hands, even though Essek and Caleb had been holding hands for a few seconds now - and while Essek might feel nervous that he’s being obvious, no one seems to pay that any mind, and Caleb is warm and grounding beside him. He’s going to savor this, he reminds himself. For as long as it lasts.

“Whitedawn Lagoon,” Essek muses. He feels the magic begin to flicker at his fingers, feels the pull deep in his chest. “Fingers crossed.”

Then they disappear, the  _ teleport _ pulling them through, and Caleb’s hold on him never falters. Savor this, he repeats, squeezing Caleb’s hand. And, taking a page out of Caduceus’ book, he prays to the Luxon.

Please, let this last.

* * *

They all reappear in bright daylight that has all of them squinting and blinking their eyes to adjust to the sudden light, and Essek flinches beside him. Caleb rubs a comforting thumb along the smooth skin of Essek’s palm as he looks around, taking in the glittering waters of what can only be the Lucidian Ocean to the south, and then behind them a mountain range that towers over the area, and right in front of them, a vast swath of jungle, a verdant tapestry that they’ll soon be traversing to get to Caduceus’ family.

“Ah - ah, I think this was a success,” Essek gets out, blocking the sun from getting into his eyes.

“This, this looks about right,” Caduceus nods.

“When was the last time you saw the sun?” Jester asks Essek as she drops to the ground, pulling out her paints. Giving Essek’s hand one last squeeze, he lets go, moving to maybe find a loose sheet of paper or something that he could hold over Essek’s head to keep the sun from bothering him.

Still covering the sun, Essek begins to answer, “Ah, it’s been a number of, ah - I think maybe since the last time I took you somewhere this bright, ah.”

“Does it hurt you?” Nott follows up, looking up at Essek from where she stands beside him too.

“It’s not comfortable, but it is, ah, tolerable,” he tells her, blinking hard against the sun and giving her a smile that comes out more like a grimace. He looks to Caduceus. “Is this what you were seeking?”

Caduceus looks towards the mountain range, then towards the jungle and the ocean. He gives a vague nod, even though it's clear his mind is a million miles away.

There’s a shift in front of them and suddenly Jester stands up from the ground, holding a parasol out to Essek that she had made with her magic paints.

The journey of emotions on Essek’s face is something Caleb is so, so glad he witnessed, starting off with confusion, to brief disbelief, before settling on something Caleb would call warm fondness. “Thank you, Jester,” Essek says.

“You’re welcome,” Jester smiles.

“He’s so cute with his parasol,” Beau whispers to Yasha, loud enough that Caleb and probably everyone else can hear.

Caleb, who had been halfway to getting out one of his books, tucks it back into its holster, taking Essek in. He’s floating gently, the parasol keeping the sun off of him, and Caleb finds himself scratching the back of his neck shyly to keep himself from reaching out and taking Essek’s free hand in his again. Beau’s right - he looks so cute Caleb’s heart might melt.

Caduceus sits on the ground, facing the mountains and the jungle, taking out a vial of holy water and lighting a sprig of incense, and as Fjord settles down beside him Caleb knows that he’s  _ communing _ with the Wildmother.

A warm breeze picks up around them, blowing towards the jungle, and it smells like honeysuckle, sweet and reminiscent of the aroma that wafts from Caduceus’ teas. It grows gentle before it picks up again, whipping past cold this time.

Giving a small bow, Caduceus begins to get up. “About a day’s journey,” he tells them. “It is dangerous, but we head this way.”

“Lead the way,” Caleb nodded.

“You, do you know what, what we’re looking for?” Nott asks. “A house, a, a hill, a grove?”

“An oasis,” Caduceus answers.

Beau points towards the ocean. “Are we walking along the beach, or -?”

He shakes his head. “No, we’re walking into the jungle.”

“Great,” Jester gets out, glancing longingly to the sea but squaring her shoulders all the same. Tropical bird calls and insect jitters fill the air, as if beckoning them into the boughs of the jungle trees.

“Well, that is not for me,” Essek says, looking at the jungle almost worriedly. “Ah,” he nods to Jester, motioning to the parasol, “Thank you, Jester.” He looks around at all of them. “And good luck.”

And with that he glides over to a patch of sand, crouching down and beginning to draw a  _ teleportation circle _ for Rosohna.

“Thank you, friend,” Caleb calls out, and he finds himself smiling when he notices the way Essek flushes slightly, a small smile tugging at his lips as well.

Caduceus nods too. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Essek tells them, straightening. They all wave before turning into the jungle, and Caleb holds Essek’s gaze for a beat longer than strictly necessary, up until Essek looks away, continuing his spellwork.

Then he turns away too, but he summons Frumpkin, letting him alight on his shoulder. He puts a hand on Nott’s shoulder, letting her lead him into the jungle as he looks through Frumpkin’s eyes, watching as Essek stops his work, looking up at them, at him, and his eyes are a warzone, full of sadness and regret and fondness and an overwhelming emotion Caleb can’t bring himself to name, before Essek makes the last mark and disappears in a glow of blue light, leaving Caleb to blink back into his own body, rattled and shaken but even more determined to reach out to Essek than ever before.

* * *

Once Essek is back in the safety of his tower, he pulls out his copper wire. “ _ I hope everything has been arranged so that I may stay close throughout the journey - just to make sure everything goes smoothly, of course.” _

The response comes through quickly. “ _ Of course. I will contact you when we make port.” _ There was a pause. _ “Don’t worry, we want this to go well, as you do. Everyone wins this way.” _

Essek believed the same exact thing - everyone won here, with the war over and the Assembly still holding onto the beacon that they uncovered, allowing their research to continue. Then why did Essek feel so disgusting when Ludinus voiced the same sentiments he had? The familiar cold fingers of dread began to skate up his spine.

This was it, this was how they ended it and everyone won, he told himself again, even as he felt his heart sink with the weight of everything he had already done. He closed his eyes, rubbing at his temple. This was it, he repeated. This was how it ended. He only hope he could balance the scales once the dust finally settled.

**Author's Note:**

> the parallels I keep finding between Essek and Caleb....astounding...like they're meant to be gang...forreal tho this fic was giving me trouble because i wasn't sure how to structure it and what to focus on, but once I got that in gear (and subsequently scrapped 3 pages near the middle that served no real story purpose T.T) everything was rather smooth sailing
> 
> transcribing for this one also took a little longer, because this was the first episode i actually watched live (yay!!!!) since I finally caught up, so I had to jump from my rudimentary twitch stream time stamps and try and figure out where that would be in the youtube episode, but thanks to Flando's comment with the timestamps, that endeavor helped narrow down my search (thank gods for Flando)
> 
> and...as i was writing this fic and i looked back at my master list of episode notes, i realized why i was taking so long on it...the next episode I have Shadowgast notes for is episode 97...gang i’m quaking, we're so close
> 
> I really hope you guys liked this fic!! And omfg with this fic I've officially TRIPLED my personal Lent goal of writing 40k words before Easter, so that's highkey exciting and frightening to see what I can do when I set my mind to it. I hope to be back soon for this one as i figure out how to balance taking classes at home and trying to work through my funk, I'm super excited for the next fic!!! Its deadass gonna end me !!!
> 
> this fic was inspired by:  
> Home Is Where the Heart Is | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 92 - 15:45 - 31:00, 59:30  
> Misery Loves Company | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 93 - 1:54:45, 2:36:00 - 3:49:00  
> With Great Power... | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 94 - 1:39:20 - 2:09:45, 2:45:10, 3:13:25 - 3:28:40


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